A Stranger in My Own Skin
This mind. This body. Ever wondered what they really are, away from what we think we already know?
Before I embarked on this mind-boggling journey, I never questioned what was going on in this mind. When I was a child, there was a point when I did ponder about this strange happening going on in my head that talks to itself and seemed to have a life of its own. Chattering, chattering, chattering non-stop. As I grew older, however, it became forgotten as I became immersed, running around the ways of the world.
As with everybody else, I went through growing up pains. From childhood to teenage, to adulthood. Contrary to common doctrine, as I now understand, innocence is a misnomer. The mind was never innocent. There was always some form of judging both of self and others, comparisons leading to jealousy or conceit, and when things do not turn out the way I want it to be, always grievance and grudge – all that is emotionally or mentally heavy, dark and unwholesome. Greed, aversion, and delusion embraced in all its glory and flurry!
Only when I came into this path, did I learn that all is not as I thought it was. That little question that I had as a child was in fact a voice, that little light in the tunnel. As I delved deeper into the mind, I realised I am a stranger wrapped in a skin. ‘A skin’ used in this context is a correction of ‘my own skin’ as in the title. For really, is it a skin or my own skin? When I die can I take it with me? So, if I cannot, then why do I think it is mine?
What about the ‘I-ness’? The ‘I’ that is so much a part of my experience all this while. The clinging identification and the want to preserve or protect anything that’s got to do with I, me, my body, my belongings and my ego. What are all these?
It is an experience, a sense of identification. It is an idea that sprung from the mind with only the compounded functions of the 6 sense doors as well as the 4 great elements as the only basis that make the ‘I’ seem real. It is a formless, mind thing.
If the ‘I’ is real, why cannot I control my thoughts? It is always chattering, chattering, chattering and I cannot tell it to shut up! If it is my body, then why can’t I tell it not to age, to fall sick or to die?
There is obviously an error, even madness. I have since started to doubt my own reality. This ‘who I am’ is not what it is and thus I have become my own stranger. What I thought I knew, I no longer know. It is because of this understanding that I actually do not know that there is now, a newfound interest to unlearn what I have learnt, and to learn anew.
Only this way, I will no longer be a stranger to what and who I really am. This way is precious. The right information given is precious. The right attitude of wanting to learn is precious. The faith and the right effort to be consistent are ever more precious.
Meanwhile, let Nature unfold and lead the way. We just walk with Him.
Appreciating its preciousness,
Yvonne Loh
15 Aug 2023