I Will Always Be Alone

Recently I was caught up in a spiral of self pity and feelings of abandonment even amidst caring and loving people. The story is the same every time when this happens whereby I am the victim of circumstances and everyone else does not know what is going on in my space hence they do not understand. And on and on it goes every time when the story is believed in and it perpetuates another moment of self pity that gets heavier and more entangled.

Before I came to this journey of wisdom, I would be caught up in this downward spiral for weeks. Dwelling in the incessant thoughts of inferiority and moving towards alienation from everything and everyone. Since no one will understand, why should I even bother talking it through with someone else? Even my best friend who knows me well seemingly will not fathom what I am going through. It paints a very bleak picture of me being singled out from everyone else, which then reinforces the idea of abandonment.

It sounds absurd and illogical to anyone who is in the right frame of mind or who understands that it is not the case. However, to the one that is caught up in the delusion of the thoughts, it is very very very real. So real that ideas of falling into depression, going out of one’s mind, harming oneself and even committing suicide can arise. To get a clearer picture of how all of these is possible, understanding the nature of mind workings is very useful.

Since I began this journey 5 years ago, I have grown to understand more about myself and how I relate to my body and the world at large. Previously, it always seemed like problems and challenges were happening to me. Whenever I tried to do good, get closer to another or help when necessary, it seemingly backfired and somehow created more problems or issues that did not seem to resolve. It felt like there was no hope. No one will ever understand or appreciate me.

Now, with a funny twist and when the mind having shifted its perspective of being caught up in the effect to the cause of how and where all the problems arose, it began to understand that I was never the victim of circumstances. I was the victimizer that created the whole setup to appear as the victim. To be a victim is to victimize onself. That is how it played out seemingly in the real world. But it all stemmed from the me, the sense of self. How did this weird 180 degrees twist happen? With some right information on cause and effect.

By going back to the very so-called beginning, at every step of observation, then we begin to see a pattern emerge and how it unfolds. We trace back to the very source where before the thoughts proliferated and initially emerged. How did the first thought arise? By a mistaken identity of whatever happening as I, me or myself. Without the sense of a self or being, there is nothing further. No one to experience or have a problem, no one to do this or that, no one that goes through good or bad nor happy or sad.

So why the mis-identifaction? Because of not having the right understanding of how nature or the mind works. The “I” or the sense of a self, comes about due to an idea of separation. That means a specific carving out of a “me” from everything else, which we now consider as “others.” What was once one, now became two. When this idea is not seen as just a view or perspective from an illusory made up self or being, then it appears as if this self or being can now exist singularly or independently.

When it tries to get, own or attach to something, it will only meet with failure because the idea of separation does not truly exist in reality. So when two persons come together to meet, the physical forms do not actually merge because what is unreal can never happen. Hence, there is a need for communication and tangible experiences to seemingly transmit from one person to other because they are not one. Keeping up with this transmission often fails because to begin with, the self wish to keep itself separate from others and to do so, it needs to maintain the idea by making itself special, unique and unlike the rest. Hence, true unity will not be possible.

In order to transcend the erroneous view of a separation, it can only be understood at the level of the mind. Where there is no form, no shape, no color, no distance, no space, no time, and no further from what already is. Not as a three dimensional rendition but as a flat two dimensional non-spatial occurrence. Only then will we begin to shift from the old perspective of “I” as a tangible being to an experience of a mental setup that seemingly appears to exist. Until then, the “I” will always feel alone and victimized. And that is where the whole range of suffering from the slightest annoyance to the full on rage of hatred can play out whenever things do not seem to go our way. But little do we know that it was all setup by the very “I” that started and continues to perpetuate the cycle of existence.

With love,
Khan Hui Yee
22 October 2024