It Should Not Be This Way
As I sit facing my laptop, fingers on the keyboard, I let out a long audible SIGH….. Can you hear it? And why the sigh?
It has been a year and a half now since I started on this journey of mind discovery. I’ve read every piece of material written by the “seasoned” meditators, trying to figure out how they have achieved the level of wisdom they are at, yearning for the day I get to realise the profundity of what they write about. IT SHOULD NOT BE THIS WAY!
The Teachers say, apply the 3MJ as often as you can remember. Herein lies the first challenge – remember. The 3MJ is simple, really. But remembering to put this into action is the hard part. The Teachers are spot on when they say it is easy and yet difficult; easy to know the 3MJ but difficult to apply purely because I do not remember. I have attended 4 MSPs, spent hours listening to Teachers’ talks and their teachings are clear enough. Yet, upon reflection at the end of each day, I find the moments of sustained awareness few and far between. IT SHOULD NOT BE THIS WAY!
Isn’t this practice supposed to keep me calm in mind and body? But nothing seems to have changed for me. I notice I still fume at the neighbour (secretly) when she tosses the snails in her garden onto the road for passing vehicles to crush them. I notice I am still unhappy over my old man’s messy habits. I notice I still feel sorrow over the wilting and eventual demise of the papaya plant I have nursed lovingly. I notice my frustration when my meditation season is an hour spent contending with rapid rising of thoughts, thoughts, thoughts. I notice there are even more of these defilements now compared to before. IT SHOULD NOT BE THIS WAY!
Wait a minute – what have I just said? “Notice” was not there before I started my practice. What was experienced before was always a part of me. Now, I recognise those unwholesome thoughts as they arise without being drawn into them. It is no wonder that there are more defilements than before – because I failed to notice them then. Hah! I am now able to detach myself from those aversive and grasping thoughts. And I am no longer bogged down by them. When did it start, this noticing mind? I can’t pinpoint the exact moment and it is not important. What is important is the fact that there has been a shift in this mind. This shift would not have happened had I not taken on the practice.
All great journeys start with the first step and this journey is a continuous endeavour to understand how the mind works. My journey can only be achieved with my determination of putting one foot in front of the other. Sometimes, I trip and fall backwards by a step but I get to take two steps forward later as the fall is the lesson that provides the wisdom for my progress. THIS SHOULD BE THE WAY!
In grace,
Jerine Foong
14 September 2021