I Am Not Loved. Is it True?
Year after year, I often wondered why love didn’t appear to me. Just as any teenager wonders the same thing when she sees her peers easily getting into a relationship or out of one. I always felt I was the odd one out.
And finally, I also began dating but after a short while, these relationships ended too – they were briefer than I had imagined. This left me with the question: “What is love?”
I felt the same thing as Natalie Portman in the movie, ‘Closer’ when the characters spoke:
“I love you.”
“Where? Show me, where is this love? I can’t see it. I can't touch it. I can’t feel it. I can’t feel anything with your easy words.”
I didn’t know that I had this severe condition of avoidance. I avoided intimacy. That intimacy is not only manifested in romantic relationships but also in friendships and all kinds of human connections, where I found all the caring and sharing seem not real. Attachments always brought up troubles and caring does not seem to touch my heart.
Four years ago, I was staying alone while undergoing a very long treatment with having to abstain from eating. At the same time, I was involved in volunteering work that required 12 - 14 working hours per day. These left me exhausted and whenever I went to bed there was the empty feeling of ‘I am not loved’. I didn’t get any messages from friends asking me whether I was alright or received any caring actions. The boy I was dating left me then, bringing about emotions of deep sorrow and resentment. These reinforced the view that was deeply imprinted: ‘I am not loved.’
Then, one day, I suddenly began noticing something weird about my actions. Before getting on the plane to visit my country, my friend texted me:
“What time will you be arriving back?” She asked gently for the purpose of helping at the airport.
“Why do you ask?” I answered in aggression, wondering why she wanted to control my life.
My friend, who was sensitive, was surprised at my behavior. I, on the other hand, did not realize anything was out of line with the way I behaved. When she was upset, I took offense and felt she was messed up. Of course, no one came to help me at the airport. I was back home alone, struggling with some huge packages, as usual.
During my volunteering period, I found it easy to have a crush on someone. I felt it was easy to have feelings for a guy who came daily and supported me to do the work and we could talk for hours. I felt I was attracted to another guy whom I was shy to talk to as he looked nice and kind. And a few more cases I had the same pattern; when I feel lacking, I will seek. I didn’t know that the more I seek, the more I feel empty inside, the more the views continue to be reinforced. More than that, the harder I tried, the harsher I was on myself, and the more "I am not loved" was believed.
When the spiritual practice had its momentum, I started to notice the source of the problem was not from the outside; the troubles began inside. There was something not quite right that I was constantly feeling not being loved. I noticed that when that view appeared, it felt lacking. When that view appeared, its function was to make the experience true. When that view appeared, it avoided love. It was so funny that on one side, this mind longed for love but on the other side, it avoided love.
How could ‘I am not loved’ ever be loved?
Realizing this truth is a small step of liberation. Ever since, whenever I found the mind craved for love or when it was suffering to be loved, I looked inward rather than outward. How can life be more beautiful than what it already is when there is an understanding. Love that seemingly requires another is from within not without. And the strange thing is, I see myself less prone to avoid intimacy. I can kiss my brother and sisters on the cheek when they are back from school. I can hug my father and say, “I love you”. I can say good night to others with the icon of love which I found was weird before. I feel love when saying I love you. That loving state is a new thing that appears.
It reminds me of an inspiring statement by Byron Katie:
‘If you realized how beautiful you are, you would fall at your own feet.’
In addition, I am thankful for the guidance of A Course In Miracles (ACIM) which showed me the truth on the day I was trapped in suffering: "If you seek love outside yourself, you can be certain that you perceive hatred within, and are afraid of it. Yet peace will never come from the illusion of love, but only from its reality." – ACIM, Chapter 16.
And the journey opens its ways – which is always beautiful...
Thank you,
In Grace,
Nang Mai
12 April 2022