Invisible Monster
One sunny day at the workplace, I was doing my work calmly with awareness. Even though there were piles of documents that needed to be finalized, the mind was not really perturbed by it. While seated doing my task, a colleague was running up and down, in and out of the room, making a fuss about the task that she was attending to. She was trying her best to find ways to solve a particular issue. She even skipped her lunch; she had no appetite to eat because she needed to complete her work as fast as she could. As the cut-off time was approaching, she got more anxious and panicked. The boss was getting impatient, making the whole situation worse.
Hence, I offered my help. By understanding what the problem was, amazingly the problem was solved just before the cut-off time. The boss was satisfied, and everyone was happy. The mind was joyful. As it learned that being generous is a wholesome act, especially going the extra mile beyond my job responsibilities, that feeling was so good.
“Hooray, I have done a good job today.” “This is my success story, my capability, my achievement.”. This happy moment stayed in my mind for quite a long time until I reached home at night.
Something was not right. The mind started to investigate. It was shocking to realize that unknowingly, the I-ness appeared quietly and stood out tall; the feeling of pride, the sense of superiority, that kind of feeling is so pleasant and smug. It perceived that since it was a wholesome act of generosity, that was the right thing to do. There was nothing else to check.
Do not conclude, our teachers always reminded us. I came to know how dangerous it is to not recognise this mental quality as defilement.
What actually happened at that time. There was an initial intention of I was here only to be truly helpful. An inspiration came followed by the whole process of being guided on solving the problem. The problem then became no problem. That was no me in it, no doer to own the credit. Upon realization, the non-existence of “I” became humble and not conceited. It realized that there was nothing to be proud of and stopped being demanding. No need for comparison, hence no envy. Luckily the mind remembered not to forget the teaching and be mindful not to be fooled by the mind.
Never look down on conceit or pride. This tiny bug can eventually turn into a big monster if keep on feeding on it. It is so little, tiny, and almost invisible, always lurking in the background, waiting for the right moment to arise. This is scary especially when there is more evidence to prove that this ‘bug’ is everywhere.
If it wasn’t for the fact I came to know WISE and have the opportunity to learn from both Teachers, there is no way for me to know what the nature of the mind is. I was not even aware defilement is leading my life every moment. It is indeed a blessing to have the right causes and conditions to receive this rare teaching. I truly appreciate both Teachers who are giving us the Right Information endlessly and tirelessly, leading us to the right path and guiding us to see things correctly.
I sincerely hope this teaching can last as long as possible and be spread far, bringing light to many other minds, not only for oneself but also for many generations to come. May the light shine brightly and continuously. If you are inspired, come and join us, there are many ‘gems’ and ‘gold dust’ waiting for you to collect.
With grace and appreciation,
Jeannie Siow
6 Jun 2023