Run, Forrest, Run
This is an often-used quote from my favourite movie “Forrest Gump” whenever I faced difficulty. This attitude was my programming and a big subject for learning in this lifetime and potentially many more. The program was well-developed with many versions of upgrades running in the background in all channels such as working, family, learning, relationship and entertainment. Whenever this mind felt uneasy, run.
It was not obvious, the defilements. The program was akin to virus on sugar coating, not easily detectable. The reasons given to the mind were always nice and right:
Be calm for a while.
This is defilement, better don’t go there.
That one will make you suffer, better don’t.
This is too much already, let’s find something to soothe the mind.
Giving it reasons was more pleasant than seeing its real face. However, the pleasantness never lasted.
Dhamma became its safe hiding place to run to. Whenever the mind wanted to run, it ran to what the mind said was right and confirmed it. This was way better than running to what the mind said was wrong. The motivation wasn’t for learning, rather, the motivation was to hide behind a beautiful camouflage.
For a few days, the body was not well. Each judgmental thought that arose gave me a learning experience. The learning that judgments are evil. Judgments when not noticed will be believed. It becomes a lens.
How could a thought about someone being childish to be evil? Yes, it is evil.
One moment the judgment is introduced but not seen correctly will proliferate.
How could one interact with someone with the lens of “childish”?
How could one speak or care about someone with the lens “he/she is childish”?
And how one could treat oneself when that act of childish turns into them?
That thought, itself, hurt.
Only when the mind saw the process of causes and effects one does to the mind, body and others, the evilness of one judgment could be seen. The moment of realizing it, the joy didn’t last for long. The other defilements came to cause the fear of judgment. Hearing others judge caused fear. Seeing it proliferate in this mind also caused fear. It came to a point that it could notice, but notice with fear.
Until one night, with the mind supported by Right Information, instead of running here and there, it understood that whatever it faced was neither harmful nor hurtful, just a discomfort experience. Hence, it decided to stay, instead of running away.
I stayed with the happenings. The movie was so good, it had ups and downs, painful and fun. For the first time in my life, I could see that this movie was better than any other movie. It was real and then unreal and then real. Till it came to a point the mind knew it was stagnant, I asked the Holy Spirit for help. The sentence that woke me up was:
“Your ego has chosen to be afraid instead of meeting it. ⁷When you awaken you will not be able to understand this, because it is literally incredible. ⁸Do not believe the incredible now. ⁹Any attempt to increase its believableness is merely to postpone the inevitable.” (ACIM, T-4.I.9:6-9)
It was filled with joy. The joy of wrong attitude seen with the Holy Spirit, wisdom, and not fear. The topic I called “Run, Forrest, Run” offered me valuable lessons. Avoidance was programmed. Letting the mind decode wasn’t easy, a lot of information was needed to replace the current program. Not only that, the attitude that goes together with it is the one that should be checked frequently. Staying with what is there isn't possible without the causes for it. The causes are faith and understanding through the information given.
The next step is to realize not only to stay with what is but also to dance with what is. All of this is not me and not in my control. In those situations, each control just postpones the inevitable.
I feel grateful that the learning attitude keeps going on. Suffering with a learning attitude is a good combo for anyone who wants to grow in this journey. Instead of telling myself to run, the quote now is: “Stay, stay a little longer, defilements. Don’t run away so soon.”
No more running,
Nang Mai
25 Apr 2023