“You Do Your Job, I Do Mine”: Life Lessons in Special Relationships

When I first began my journey in meditation, I was drawn to the simple wisdom of “they do their job, I do my job.” Yet, this clarity faded when special relationships came into play. His job became my job. My responsibility was to set him straight, guide him, and keep him from going astray. It seemed justified, right? After all, I was just helping. What could be wrong with that?

This approach to managing a special relationship, however, inflicted deep damage on my mind. If he were just a friend, would I feel the need to set him right, lead him to success, or protect him from mistakes? Of course not. It wouldn’t be any of my business! But the moment someone holds the title of ‘more than just a friend,’ my inner control freak awakens, eager to take over.

I was reminded that suffering is the result of causes. When suffering arises, it signals the absence of right information pertaining to the mind. In this case, the information that slipped from my mind was: “You do your job, I do my job.”

At first, the “you” refers to the person I’m obsessed with fixing. But as I turned my attention inward, the “you” is actually something deeper—the aspect of my mind that is constantly pushing me to meddle and control. This impulse is driven by nothing more than the defilements within.

If he were just a friend, there would be no attachment to what he does or doesn’t do. But when someone is a partner, attachment becomes inevitable. His job starts feeling like my job. I want to make sure he makes the right choices, he succeeds in his work because I think it will ensure our relationship turns out right. Such a pathetic way to live!

There was a time when he got into an accident, and I couldn’t be there for him because I had plans with a friend. As I waited for my friend to pick me up, my mind was restless, unable to find peace. I couldn’t enjoy the outing. The unease was an effect, and instead of obsessing over the effect, I needed to find the cause. What was the missing piece of information that led to this suffering? That’s when I realized I had forgotten the simple truth: “You do your job, I do my job.”

When I allowed things to unfold, I understood that he needed to experience what he needed to, and I needed to go through what I was meant to. The grip loosened. I stopped texting him and instead focused on being mindful, continuing with my own plans.

Life is full of endless lessons, like waves that never stop crashing. To live with these ebbs and flows is to cultivate a meditative mind, one that faces whatever arises wisely and with clarity. Otherwise, life becomes an endless cycle of meddling in others' affairs, while neglecting the most important task of all—developing right view—the way of seeing things without defilements.

Bruises all over but never give up,
Stephanie Chua
17 December 2024