Ahh, Mistakes

One of my biggest fear is to make mistakes. I used to want perfection. When I have done something wrong or felt I am not good enough, I would feel terribly unworthy and believed I am not up for the task. Many times a conversation was followed by the thought ‘if I have said the wrong things’.

Apologies were common in my conversation. I thought I was being humble, not knowing it was false humility. Between a perpetrator or a victim, the mind’s modus operandi was towards being a victim. Feeling guilty was a tool that I have been using to guilt-trip myself (and to others too) without consciously knowing (and at times consciously).

As I was discovering this self, one day I chanced upon a short guided meditation that invited us to surrender our thoughts to the altar of God. I did not have any notion of who or what God is. I just took it that God is the highest state of wisdom or Love. My heart wondered, why would I want to give all these thoughts that contained anger, jealousy, pettiness, insufficiency, worthlessness, and guilt to God? If there was anything to offer, of course, I would like to offer what is good instead of bad. Why would He want to receive the bad?

Despite my doubt, I tried to surrender anyway. Lo and behold, the action of surrendering these thoughts gave an immediate effect; the mind felt lighter, and the difference was noticeable despite questions were still lingering. After doing it a few times, it dawned on me that the emotional baggages and thoughts that I owned were the ones that were blocking me from the Truth. By surrendering them, I was closer to the Truth. Love and Compassion filled me.

From this glimpse, I came to know that guilt was not necessary. What happens is perfect. All the right causes and conditions are present hence it appears as it should be. Otherwise, it won’t be that. Whatever mistakes I erroneously perceive it to be, it is all well. What is more important for me now is even after a mistake and wanting to do better, I see that there is no such need to use guilt to perpetuate it further. It just is.

With this knowledge, I loosen my grip on guilt and become a little independent of it. I stop being a punching bag of my own. Using the analogy of oil and water – although they are in the same bowl, I am the oil that is above the water observing what is happening more objectively instead of submerged in the water.

These reminded me of the lessons shared by the Teachers that there is no Wisdom or Love to attain. What is only required of us is to have Right Awareness of what is blocking it. When the block is removed, what is there will be revealed. We are all Love, regardless of what is seemingly happening in our space. What is important is to look beyond these appearances and acknowledge that ultimately, there is only Truth and no other.

In grace,
Poh Ying
23 November 2021