My Chinese New Year Ang Pow For 2022

This is the best year of my life if there is such a thing as year or life. Where I am now is the result of coming to the spiritual journey since I was young. Upon recollection, it must have started when I was a kid for I sensed I was different, weird in a way. While others could talk and mingle well, I was a loner, only one good friend in school. I felt out of place most of the time, envying others who could express their thoughts freely, getting angry freely, and being liked by others. Wanting very much to be part of the group, I suffered but didn’t know how to get out of it. Being a mother was even more depressing when the kids brought more pressure and the mum could not even handle her emotional issues well so how to guide them? It used the ego to survive and forced things to turn out well only realizing later how much harm has come to the children who are also psychologically affected. When understood, it cannot be otherwise. What has happened is perfect for the conditions have come together for the effect to happen. Either I see it or I don’t. From ignorance, the whole mass of suffering unfolds. This is the perfect play of delusion. Happenings arise due to causes and conditions and not the stories made real by the clever play of the mind.

Hey! Why am I rejoicing then if this person has done so much harm? For a long period of time, guilt was always in my space. Tears flowed without my understanding of what was going on. The feeling of something was not right was always in my mind but I didn’t know how to disentangle the knots and chains binding me. Thankful indeed for coming to this journey that brought small glimmers of hope into the dark mind (it was pitch dark in the past) and eventually this year, the understanding has grown so much that I can only say, `I have full faith in this journey that I am undertaking.’

Having said that, it doesn’t mean that life would be good and it would be a happy ending like a Cinderella tale. No, but the good learning attitude and the understanding of how to walk the path have given this mind confidence. It is this that gives the mind the conviction that only with the 3 Meditator’s Jobs, what needs to unfold will happen when the time is right. My job is to work at the cause for the effect is nothing to do with me. Ironically, the whole journey is undertaken to reveal the false ego that thinks it is in control of everything. As the journey continues, the sense of control is gradually being relinquished. The heart feels lighter, brighter, and more joyful. The heart knows this is it and whatever that arises is for its learning. It is neither good nor bad but meant to happen for the waking up to happen. I am not talking about enlightenment but waking up from the false dream that I have been holding onto to protect the little me that thinks it is in control of life. The more the mind understands, the more the release happens. It is a natural process and the heart knows it is not done by me or an entity. How liberating when this is understood.

The constant reminders from the teachers, their sharings, their amazing skills coupled with sharings from Bro Choong and fellow Kalyanamittas, have made this possible. Coming from my own limited understanding, this would not have been possible. I know how it is because this mind was very deluded in the past. Something so plain common sense could not be understood so much so that it acted out shamefully and foolishly. The understanding of causes and conditions has depersonalized a lot of this delusion. Indeed it is the mental factor that is doing a good job and the mind has fallen into its game. Each sharing is listened to intently by this mind for it is gathering data through the information that comes into its space. It may have heard it before but somehow the mind may not have been impacted. Hence, at certain times, such information hit the mind and small little ahas arise to add more light into its space. This is how this mind works, slowly, gradually, waking up from a deep sleep.

Each little sharing from fellow Kalyanamittas, even though small or seemingly insignificant, can sometimes make a mark on this mind. It is strange that learning happens not only in big moments but also unexpectedly. Why am I writing this down? It is for others to realize too that any sharing from anyone in the 6 am group does impact other minds in ways that we do not know. All minds are different and we learn differently too. So, we can never underestimate the beauty of sharing. Ahas arise when we least expect them and the coming together of different minds add to the learning spirit. Instead of learning from the teachers, we are learning from our personal sharings, difficulties, and realisations. From my feelings of unworthiness, insecurity, fear, wishing to control, the journey is exposing all the wrong views that have been built up through misperception. Teacher has put it very aptly. There is nothing religious in this journey but we have seen things wrongly. It is rectifying the views to align them to seeing reality instead of concepts. Wow! Most of what teacher has shared is so very true as the journey is understood more and more.

Even the way we write seems to reflect us. Anyone who reads this can guess who is writing this. Interesting, right? Our tendencies show in our writing too. So, we are indeed products of tendencies and views. If these are removed, what are we left with? Can there be any more separation and division when such layers are peeled off? This is to be discovered as the journey is taken with confidence, respect, willingness, and interest. So, what can I expect from life except this gift of understanding for the Year of the Tiger? To quote from the Dhammapada, `The gift of truth excels all other gifts.’

In grace,
Chee Guit Yeng
15 February 2022