The Bees And Butterflies

The B’s

The bees and butterflies

Yellow and blue....

The song keeps churning in my mind, again and again, long after I sang the lullaby to my little one an hour ago. This is how the mind works; the contents keep recurring over and over like a broken record. And when there is no awareness of what is playing up, this “I” automatically immerses into whatever “lullaby” that is playing, making up dreams in the world.

Last year was quite a remarkable year as I hit 36. A little being was bestowed to both my husband and me and we joyously welcomed the little one before the end of the year. I chuckled to myself at the thought of, “Gotama Buddha got enlightened at age 36 and here I am, holding this little bundle.” Ahh well, this must be something I have scripted in my unconscious mind, lessons that I have yet to learn.

Oh my, indeed the many lessons came, one unfolding after another. The first few weeks were really tough as the physical body was no longer how it used to be. I struggled to decode the little one, “was it time to eat, sleep, or poo” and nursing her with tears rolling down the cheek, not out of awe but in intense pain. Every decision seemed ambiguous as the searches on Google only led to more confusion as each article had a different say. Heck, there are a few thousand articles just on using a pacifier!

I can just giggle now having gone through those weeks. My beloved partner became a “victim” in the whole event. Throughout the whole saga, he seemed to be tip-toeing on thin ice, not knowing when the female beast would unleash and send him plopped into the frozen water, not knowing what went wrong. Now, though not that everything is perfect, at least it is better. Haha!

Ironically, “gold nuggets” were collected during these trying times and I would like to reflect a few in this sharing:-

1. Cup half empty, half full
For so long, I have heard this but never realize what it truly means until at one point it striked me. I was being very critical of how my partner handled the child. I saw the “old, critical self” re-surfacing – every little movement was like going through an x-ray examination; “why did you do this, why didn’t you do that”, and things became tense, no longer the loving self. As I was pondering, “what do I really want from him?”, and then it struck me that I had only looked at the things he didn’t do and discounted all the things he had done. If I keep looking at the emptiness, whatever that is full will be totally overlooked no matter how full the cup is. When the shift of perspective happened, tears of gratitude flowed on the reflection of how full the cup was. My partner too shared the same sentiment, noting that, defilement would never end had we kept on looking for what was not there because we would keep finding what was not there. Such is the nature of craving.

2. Being courageous, transparent, and authentic in a relationship
“Hey something is not right, let’s talk about it.” I find that to work in a relationship requires the courage to voice out what feels most vulnerable to me, to bring up my inadequacy, or to utter what’s troubling me. I’m grateful that my partner has the capacity to attend to me. When both parties come from an authentic space to converse, the inevitable happens, the joining of two minds into one. It is also noteworthy that in every relationship, it’s an ongoing process. Even after a joining, at any moment, this can be forgotten and the cycle of conflict returns. But what is more important for me is to be vigilant and strive for an authentic relationship.

3. “Not using others’ ruler for own measurement”, trusting and choosing consciously
Through that ambiguous period, advice is being sought everywhere. True enough, no one gives the same opinion, and in the beginning, this frustrated me. Upon reflection, of course, no one will have the same answer as all our experiences are the culmination of different components coming together. So why am I comparing? I realize that what is more important is whatever decision I am making today, I am consciously aware of the current circumstances – why it is being made and what are the consequences – all to be dealt with at that point in time.

All in all, little do I realize the investment in the path since four years ago can bear such beautiful fruits. In what way is it beautiful? In the ability for me to see things from different perspectives; through the wisdom shared by teachers and spiritual buddies and by not taking things too personally. Despite the struggle, laughter grows as we see the humorous side of things. It was just amusing to realize how we were caught up in all the lullabies. This discovery truly strengthens my confidence to walk on the path more diligently and be vigilant at all times. And to all my spiritual buddies and families, thank you for offering a space to this mind for refuge in times of need.

In grace,
Cheong Poh Ying
01 March 2022