Facing Fear in the Face
One day, I noticed this little bird flying in and out of an artificial tree on the balcony outside my room. Sometimes it would do so a few times a day. Sometimes it would be two birds. My husband suspects it was choosing to build a nest there, but I thought why choose a small artificial tree when there are big trees outside? Furthermore, the tree is separated from humans only by a long glass window. The bird must have chosen it as the safest being well hidden from the crows that are constantly attacking smaller birds in the vicinity.
When it started building its nest on a flimsy plastic branch we were joyful. As the nest grew and we saw the pair taking it in turns to build their little nest so close to us, we became protective. We watched how much labour the birds put into building the nest, from dried twigs to leaves to dried flower petals – flying in and out, in and out, little by little – everyday adding something to it until the nest took form. We refused to let the cleaner sweep the balcony as we did not want to disturb the pair. It has been two to three months now and we have grown attached to the birds. It became like pets not shackled by a cage. Both of us looked forward to the day when the eggs would hatch and the nestlings would fly the nest.
It was wishful thinking. Yesterday morning, we were told that a little dead bird was found on the ground floor patio. My brother-in-law said it could have been the crows as he often saw them attacking smaller birds and their nests on his frequent morning walks. Immediately my thoughts went to the nest on my room balcony and it was confirmed by my husband later that he noticed the activity that we had watched, photographed, videoed, and shared had stopped.
Just two to three days ago, the bird was still flying in to feed the little ones and there was much excitement in that little nest. Small quivers during feeding told us the nestlings inside must be jostling to get food from its parent’s beak. Now it’s all still. Seemingly funereal.
I am no stranger to the loss of loved ones and even losing three within a span of only four years. This all-too-familiar feeling arose and it all compounded because we had witnessed the entire process. We even photographed the mother with only its head and long beak peeking out of the nest hole as it sat laying its eggs. A sense of deep loss came and I quietly mourned for a little bird family that could have been.
Then this mind turned inwards. It is time to face fear squarely in the face. After all, that was precisely why I came into the journey with WISE. To learn to understand the mind better so as to be able to face the fear of death and separation, grief, pain, and despair that is inevitable in the cycle of birth and death. It may have been a fleeting relationship with the birds but still, there was attachment and hence suffering. What have I learnt from practicing 3MJ and forgiveness?
The crow is a bird of prey and due to causes and conditions, it marked the bird flitting in and out of the nest that became the target of its attack. There can be malevolence against that crow or crows as they work in a pack, but then isn’t that nature? It is only one of a cycle in nature’s food chain. It is nature happening according to causes and conditions. As I saw that, there was forgiveness. What is there to judge and what is there to lament “it shouldn’t have happened” or “we should have protected them better”?
This spiritual journey had once again, made a difference. That understanding shifted this experience from those of intense sorrow, stark emptiness, and deranged helplessness as I knew them before. Whatever has happened is meant to happen, will happen, and cannot be otherwise.
This was a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel. This glimpse told me that cessation of suffering is not impossible. This glimpse, no matter how brief, has strengthened my resolve and faith that this is the right path for me.
I am grateful and joyful that nature had been thrown in my face for my learning; right at my balcony, I watched a ‘movie’ about birds, their life, struggle, and death. The experience became my object of introspection.
Therefore I wish to invite those who intend to, are hesitating or who are just embarking on this spiritual journey to strive on. I and many practitioners do not deny that it is daunting, but the importance is to accept that it is a slowly evolving process of learning, growth, and mental strength. There is no need to rush and as a community, no one is left alone. It only takes faith, as it did for me, and the determination to take on the 3 MJ (Meditator’s Jobs) with an open mind.
As this aging body together with other bodies held close to its heart are advancing in tandem, it is time to prepare the mind … or the option is devastation. Death and separation are inevitable. There is no use avoiding it or fearing it and there is no taboo in discussing it. It will come and when the day comes, are we ready to meet it in the face?
In grace,
Yvonne Loh
13 Sep 2022